A Blue Flower Blog

First review of A BLUE FLOWER!

It has been a special experience releasing my film on Youtube, and receiving notes of appreciation from both people I know and those I have never met. I hope A Blue Flower continues to blossom and spread wherever it is meant to!

I just read the first ever official review of my film by Lisa McCormack, the editor of a website called The Global Conversation. You can read it here.

If you haven’t seen the film yet, just click over to the MEDIA page! If you would like to purchase a DVD or BluRay copy, click on the STORE page.

Let yourself bloom!

Symbolism in CLOUD ATLAS

I watched Cloud Atlas on opening night, and was excited to see a bunch of esoteric symbolism throughout the film. But the most thrilling scene for me was when Tom Hanks and Halle Berry are at the top of a mountain after having just overcome a tremendous struggle. Halle Berry’s character succeeds in activating a satellite that sends a signal to her off-world friends to come rescue her.

Cloud Atlas Blue Lotus

Cloud Atlas Blue Lotus

The esoteric symbolism I immediately caught on to was that the satellite on the top of the mountain is the pineal gland, or third-eye chakra, situated in the human brain (located at the top of the pyramid/mountain of the body). Normally, in today’s world, our adult pineal glands are calcified and shriveled up, unable to function as they should. Just like the satellite in Cloud Atlas.

When Halle Berry activates the satellite, it opens up and looks just like a lotus flower, before sending a piercing blue ray to her home planet for help. Talk about esoteric symbolism! When I began to open my third eye chakra during 14 days of complete darkness, I saw what looked like a blue flower in the center of my forehead. This activated chakra can help us connect with other beings in other dimensions, which definitely happened to me during my time in the dark.

I won’t go into the other esoteric symbolism in Cloud Atlas, as I’m sure there are plenty of other more competent bloggers who have already done so. But when I saw blue flowers involved, I just had to post! Thank you, Wachowski’s, for another amazing film!

If you don’t already know about the blue flower, make sure to like my film on Facebook and sign up for email updates!

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The night I learned to forgive everyone

Several weeks ago I was invited to attend an all-night drum circle. We were to set our intention for the night – something that we wanted. I know it sounds crazy, but I decided to ask for the return of the Christ in my heart. Recently I had been reading about the Tiger Knights from Mexico that had the goal of resurrecting Quetzalcoatl (the Mexican Christ) in order to make their hearts bloom. I knew that this was a big request, but I couldn’t think of anything I would rather want than that.

The first half of the night was pretty uneventful. A lot of singing and drumming and rattling. Rhythmic drummming has the power to alter your brain waves and put you in an altered state of consciousness after a while, however. Which is exactly what began to happen. I started to become agitated, and began to pick out other people’s faults. There was one man sitting close to me that really rubbed me the wrong way. He seemed very proud and caught up in himself. I resented him. I saw other people in the circle the same way – I saw their darkness. I was in a pretty ugly state of mind.

There was a beautiful young mother sitting across from me with her little one-year old boy. About halfway through the night, the little boy began to start to cry. At first it didn’t bother me that much, but as the night wore on and the boy was not stopping, I began to feel very distressed. In my altered state, I had the distinct impression that he had a lot of darkness, or sin, in him – and that this was the cause of his crying.

At some point in the early morning hours, we connected. I realized that there was something I was being asked to do, to help him. What was it, I asked? Immediately the answer I received was “Take on his sins”. I was scared. Take on someone else’s sins? That’s not my job! I thought I was supposed to worry about me, not other people. But the boy’s crying became more intense. Both his distress and mine mounted considerably.

I began to study the boy’s face. I wondered how it could be that a beautiful, harmless, angelic little being could possibly be carrying darkness. And then I was hit with another sentence: “If you take on his sins, you will be carrying the sins of the whole world.” This scared me even more. It was one thing to carry a little baby’s darkness. But to willingly take on the the whole world’s evil, twisted darkness, the entire human population’s sins? That was too much.

“Can we work on this another night?” I asked the universe. The swift reply was “Yes, but one day sooner or later this is what you have to do”. I thought about it for another moment. I looked back over at the child in his distress. I sighed heavily. A feeling of intense nausea was rising up from my stomach. I tried to breath through it, but it kept developing. With the boy’s screams now flooding my brain, I thought to myself how this innocent child did not deserve for one more moment to have darkness plague him. And if I could do something for him to help him, then of course I would – even if it meant that I had to suffer. In that moment, I loved the child more than anything else.

And so I closed my eyes and prepared myself for an onslaught of suffering. The nausea was already so intense, I couldn’t imagine what would be worse, but I was willing to jump into the abyss and experience everything for this child. All the darkness of all the world. I whispered, “I take on the sins of the world.”

The instant I said those words, I sensed I was in the presence of light. For a moment there was peace. No darkness, no sin, just peace. I thought I must have made a mistake, or chickened out, and was deceiving myself. I pulled myself back out of the light, thinking that I needed to try it again. The waves of nausea rolling over me, I trying to concentrate with all my might on carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was so scared that I was going to be experiencing the sins of the world, but once again I said, in a much louder internal voice, “I take on the sins of the world!”

And once again, I entered a wonderful presence of light – of pure love. I was amazed and humbled as the lesson smacked me in the face: there is no sin. It was all an illusion that you created. There is no darkness. In the true reality, there is only light and love. I had been afraid of something that did not exist.

At that moment I hurriedly got up and ran over to a tree nearby. As I prepared to vomit, I knew that I was going to throw up all my misperceptions about other people and myself. All of our guilt, all of our fears, all of our “sins”. I thought of the child and wondered how I could have ever thought he had sinned. He was perfect. Innocent. I was perfect and innocent too. Everyone in the circle was perfect and innocent. I threw up, forgiving the sins of the whole world.

As I sat back down in the circle, I looked around at everyone else, singing and drumming. I thought to myself that no one could ever possibly understand what I just went through, but that someone should write a book about it – about how one man forgave the world of their sins. Then I realized there was already a book written. Misinterpreted to a massive degree, of course, but still it was there in the Bible.

That morning was the most beautiful sunrise I had ever witnessed. The people around the circle were the most beautiful people I had ever seen. When you truly forgive everything, and love everyone, your perception of the world changes.

After the circle ended, I spent the next few hours sitting by a nearby pool with the little boy, playing with him in the shallow water. Rejoicing in our innocence. I knew that the Christ had returned to my heart, and that I was the world’s newest tiger knight.

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The Blue Flower, by Henry Van Dyke

The parents were abed and sleeping. The clock on the wall ticked loudly and lazily, as if it had time to spare. Outside the rattling windows there was a restless, whispering wind. The room grew light, and dark, and wondrous light again, as the moon played hide-and-seek through the clouds. The boy, wide-awake and quiet in his bed, was thinking of the Stranger and his stories.

“It was not what he told me about the treasures,” he said to himself, “that was not the thing which filled me with so strange a longing. I am not greedy for riches. But the Blue Flower is what I long for. I can think of nothing else. Never have I felt so before. It seems as if I had been dreaming until now—or as if I had just slept over into a new world.

“Who cared for flowers in the old world where I used to live? I never heard of anyone whose whole heart was set upon finding a flower. But now I cannot even tell all that I feel—sometimes as happy as if I were enchanted. But when the flower fades from me, when I cannot see it in my mind, then it is like being very thirsty and all alone. That is what the other people could not understand.

“Once upon a time, they say, the animals and the trees and the flowers used to talk to people. It seems to me, every minute, as if they were just going to begin again. When I look at them I can see what they want to say. There must be a great many words that I do not know; if I knew more of them perhaps I could understand things better. I used to love to dance, but now I like better to think after the music.”

Gradually the boy lost himself in sweet fancies, and suddenly he found himself again, in the charmed land of sleep. He wandered in far countries, rich and strange; he traversed wild waters with incredible swiftness; marvellous creatures appeared and vanished; he lived with all sorts of men, in battles, in whirling crowds, in lonely huts. He was cast into prison. He fell into dire distress and want. All experiences seemed to be sharpened to an edge. He felt them keenly, yet they did not harm him. He died and came alive again; he loved to the height of passion, and then was parted forever from his beloved. At last, toward morning, as the dawn was stealing near, his soul grew calm, and the pictures showed more clear and firm.

It seemed as if he were walking alone through the deep woods. Seldom the daylight shimmered through the green veil. Soon he came to a rocky gorge in the mountains. Under the mossy stones in the bed of the stream, he heard the water secretly tinkling downward, ever downward, as he climbed upward.

The forest grew thinner and lighter. He came to a fair meadow on the slope of the mountain. Beyond the meadow was a high cliff, and in the face of the cliff an opening like the entrance to a path. Dark was the way, but smooth, and he followed easily on till he came near to a vast cavern from which a flood of radiance streamed to meet him.

As he entered he beheld a mighty beam of light which sprang from the ground, shattering itself against the roof in countless sparks, falling and flowing all together into a great pool in the rock. Brighter was the light-beam than molten gold, but silent in its rise, and silent in its fall. The sacred stillness of a shrine, a never-broken hush of joy and wonder, filled the cavern. Cool was the dripping radiance that softly trickled down the walls, and the light that rippled from them was pale blue.

But the pool, as the boy drew near and watched it, quivered and glanced with the ever-changing colours of a liquid opal. He dipped his hands in it and wet his lips. It seemed as if a lively breeze passed through his heart.

He felt an irresistible desire to bathe in the pool. Slipping off his clothes he plunged in. It was as if he bathed in a cloud of sunset. A celestial rapture flowed through him. The waves of the stream were like a bevy of nymphs taking shape around him, clinging to him with tender breasts, as he floated onward, lost in delight, yet keenly sensitive to every impression. Swiftly the current bore him out of the pool, into a hollow in the cliff. Here a dimness of slumber shadowed his eyes, while he felt the pressure of the loveliest dreams.

When he awoke again, he was aware of a new fulness of light, purer and steadier than the first radiance. He found himself lying on the green turf, in the open air, beside a little fountain, which sparkled up and melted away in silver spray. Dark-blue were the rocks that rose at a little distance, veined with white as if strange words were written upon them. Dark-blue was the sky, and cloudless.

All passion had dissolved away from him; every sound was music; every breath was peace; the rocks were like sentinels protecting him; the sky was like a cup of blessing full of tranquil light.

But what charmed him most, and drew him with resistless power, was a tall, clear-blue flower, growing beside the spring, and almost touching him with its broad, glistening leaves. Round about were many other flowers, of all hues. Their odours mingled in a perfect chord of fragrance. He saw nothing but the Blue Flower.

Long and tenderly he gazed at it, with unspeakable love. At last he felt that he must go a little nearer to it, when suddenly it began to move and change. The leaves glistened more brightly, and drew themselves up closely around the swiftly growing stalk. The flower bent itself toward him, and the petals showed a blue, spreading necklace of sapphires, out of which the lovely face of a girl smiled softly into his eyes. His sweet astonishment grew with the wondrous transformation.

All at once he heard his mother’s voice calling him, and awoke in his parents’ room, already flooded with the gold of the morning sun.

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Artist’s Statement

I am currently preparing for something called a “Thesis Review Board” at UCF, and one of the things I am turning in for it is called an Artist’s Statement. This is a tool to help me remember why I am making films. I had a lot of fun writing it, and thought I would share it here:

“I do not make films because I enjoy the process. Filmmaking, for me, is akin to what I can imagine a woman experiences while giving birth. It is excruciatingly painful, it seems like it will never end, and I am usually yelling or crying throughout the event.

I make films because of the finished product. My past short films have proven to be the best therapy I could ever hope for. Castle Otttis, my first short documentary about the struggle between my religion and my sexuality is still to this day the thing that I go to immediately on YouTube when I am having a rough day. Not because of the content, necessarily, but because in my films I express the deepest part of who I am – which is so easy to forget. I suppose that is why women smile so deeply when they first behold their newborn creations. It represents the deepest, truest aspect of themselves.

And so, on to birthing my first feature documentary, an embarrassing, painful quest for something that most everyone believes is non-existent and foolish to look for. And yet, there is nothing else in the world I could be doing right now that would satisfy my intense yearning to find myself. When I finally give birth to this film next year, I want to be able to look at it and know that it represents the deepest, truest aspect of who I am.

Hope you enjoyed! This is a snapshot of me taken by David Roberts on the day that Castle Otttis screened.

Nils before the screening of Castle Otttis

Before the first screening of Castle Otttis

Haha, can you tell I was proud? Do you have an artist’s statement? What about a life statement? What drives you? Please comment!

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Enlightenment: Spiritual or Physical?

I just finished a three day water fasting journey, with nothing but a bit of celtic sea salt and lemon juice for flavor. During the fast, I experienced a lot of intense cravings for food (especially Tijuana Flats for some reason). I just broke my fast this morning with a little bit of raw juice – apple, carrot, and mango – and besides being delicious, it is bringing up my energy pretty fast. I’m planning to do a juice fast all day today to slowly start up my digestive system. I am really glad that I tried fasting, and I hope to do it again, perhaps after a month or two of building up my body with a raw food diet. I really enjoyed reading about the Essene’s raw food diet in the Essene Gospel of Peace, so I may try that.

But all this talk of fasting and raw food has brought up an interesting question for me about enlightenment: is enlightenment spiritual or physical? For example, in my first trailer for A Blue Flower, I ask myself the questions: “What if I could love everything? What if I could forgive everyone?” These are very “spiritual” sounding questions, that don’t seem to involve things like fasting, or even spending 14 days in the dark, like I did a while ago.

But then there are quite a few people who seem to focus on physical methods of attaining enlightenment. My friend Joe the Alchemist spends a lot of time trying to cook up the Philosopher’s stone (a metaphorical Lapis Lazuli or my Blue Flower), which he believes is a physical substance that would give him instant enlightenment and immortality.

 

Joe the Alchemist

Joe the Alchemist

There are also many people who have had a Kundalini Awakening, which is very hard to describe as I have never had one, but Jana Dixon has written an excellent free e-book describing the Biology of Kundalini and personal experiences with her own Kundalini Awakening. She describes part of a Kundalini Awakening as being an intense rush of energy up her spine, feeling like the rush of 10,000 orgasms. She has a lot of cool tips on how to have a Kundalini Awakening, a few being to go on a raw food diet and practice fasting. But the take away from the book is that a Kundalini Awakening is a biological process that humans can go through, not just a spiritual journey.

So is enlightenment purely spiritual, or purely physical? I am tending to think that it is both, and that perhaps we can’t even separate the two things. If I practice fasting and a raw food diet, for example, it cleans out my physical body, which may also help my spiritual evolution. Where is the line drawn? What do you think? Is enlightenment spiritual or physical? Please comment!

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Fasting Day 1

I was reading the Essene Gospel of Peace, book 1 (which you can read in it’s entirety here). In it, Jesus tells his disciples to fast in order to remove “Satan”, which I believe is supposed to be interpreted as disease and all things that keep us disconnected from our “Heavenly Father” (aka the Sun) and our Earthly Mother (…the Earth!).

Thus, I have decided to try fasting to see if I can attain enlightenment:

Has anyone else tried to fast before? How long did you go for? What was the experience like?

Melancholia (Lars Von Trier’s new film) and facing my death

Lars Von Trier’s new film Melancholia (out in theaters 11/11/11 but viewable on iTunes now!) is nothing short of a masterpiece. This is a clip of the opening prelude to the film, well worth the 8 minutes.

The film is about two sisters, Justine (played by Kirsten Dunst) and Claire (Charlotte Gainsborg) who must face the end of the world when they realize that the approaching planet Melancholia” (is this Nibiru?) will collide with the earth. It is a fascinating look into different ways that we humans can face our deaths – Justine looks upon death with deep depression, while Claire has a panic attack.

While no one knows for sure if Elenin or Nibiru or the asteroid YU55 will collide with the earth and cause it’s demise, Melancholia reminded me of a realization I had about my quest for enlightenment – in order for me to have perfect peace and transcend this reality, I am going to need to come to complete acceptance of my death. In my view of things, enlightenment means not fearing anything, but instead loving everything. That includes death, as morbid as it sounds. I wanted to share two experiences I have had that have helped me overcome my fear of dying – not that I am completely ok with it yet! But they helped me.

During my time in the dark, I had an opportunity to experience life without seeing my physical body. It was definitely not a complete death experience, but a major part of my world had literally disappeared. It made me think about life in a slightly different way when I emerged, because I had experienced myself without the visible world around me, and especially without the sight of my physical body. I was more than my physical body.

Another experience I had earlier this year was a brief but intense dream of what I would identify as the “new earth” or the “5th dimension”. It was a beautiful vision of earth, but not as we know it now. The center of the earth was visible, and it was a star. Coming out from the star was crystal clear water, and the surface of the earth was floating forest islands. This was all very cool, but the most amazing part about it was that my consciousness was in the center of the earth – in other words, I was the earth. I could feel the whole thing. I didn’t see any humans, or animals. But the whole thing was living, and it was me! Obviously a way cool experience that only lasted for 30 seconds unfortunately, but it helped me lose identification with my current body.

It’s funny that Melancholia prompted me to remember these things. Does it sound like I should be in the crazy house? Don’t lock me up till I can finish the film, please.

Anyone else have experiences that helped them deal with their death?

Darkroom Enlightenment Results

Well, I have had time to digest all that went down during my 14 days in the dark, and now it is time to try and share as much of it as possible! Many thanks to my boyfriend Kevin for taking care of me for that long, I literally couldn’t have done this without him.

I spent the first four days sleeping – a lot. It was a weird feeling of losing all personal responsibility except for taking showers and brushing my teeth. Actually, even those two simple tasks seemed very hard. I would spend an hour just thinking about how I should be getting up to brush my teeth!

Nicholas Pike Artwork

Something like what I saw, minus the words.

On the fifth day I had my first altered reality experience. It was very short. I was lying in my bed and a theater screen was in front of me. It was showing a pixelated tapestry, blue yellow and green (something like the image to the left from Nicholas Pike). I could hear Enya-type music, which was fun. There was a high-frequency sound in my ears as well. The images would get brighter and clearer when the frequency became louder. Unfortunately, the vision was so real that I started freaking out because I thought that the light from the screen would ruin the darkness I was supposed to be in, so I reached over to put my blinders on and the vision stopped. I felt very, very dumb for the next few minutes!

After the fifth day I started seeing lights about half of the time. Mostly they would be in the corners of my eyes, but occasionally one would move closer to the center of my vision. One time I woke up and there was a really intense ball of light that looked like the sun right in the middle of my vision. The flickering light was comforting and beautiful.

Also, after the fifth day I started to be able to “see” in the dark. It was really freaky to go into the restroom with my blindfold on and still be able to see my dark shadow in the mirror. I suppose that the whole “third eye” thing is true, as I was definitely not using my normal two eyes!

Towards the ninth day I began to really hallucinate. That was when things got a bit creepy. On the left side of my vision the lighting was red, and I had to watch, over and over again, bodies having sex. Ok you might think that is cool, but after several hours it gets old. Not to mention the fact that on the right hand side of my vision, the lighting was a cold blue and there was a dark figure continually crouching next to me! Whenever I would move or get up to use the restroom, both hallucinations would stop what they were doing and imitate my exact movements. The part that freaked me out the most was one time as I was walking into the bathroom two figures had already anticipated my move to sit down on the toilet and they were imitating me in the shower. Keep in mind, these things didn’t go away if I “closed” my eyes! I had to eventually get used to them and not get freaked out.

The hallucinations weren’t all bad, however. On day 10 I woke up from a dream to see a golden angel statue in front of me, holding what I think was a ruby  by her heart but who knows. She had these really cool wings that curved upwards and almost made a circle, I couldn’t tell what they were made of but they sure weren’t feathers. I remembered this image and wanted to look it up online when I got out. I spent the last two weeks searching for this angel on google, to no avail. Then finally just a few days ago I accidentally stumbled across her. Meet Avalokiteshvara, the Buddha of compassion.

avalokiteshvara guanyin thousand arms

Avalokiteshvara, the buddha of compassion

Avalokitesvara was a bodhisattva (male or female, depending on the story) who took a vow to assist all beings to achieve nirvana before allowing himself to attain enlightenment. When I learned of this, my heart leapt. For me, it is a sure sign that I am on my path and that I am being guided in some way. But wait, there’s more: Avalokitesvara’s mantra that she teaches is “OM Mani Padme Hung”, meaning something like “The Jewel Is In The Lotus!” In Sanskrit, he is also referred to as Padmapani, which means “Holder of the Lotus”.

Need I remind you that the friggin poster for my film is of a human rising out of a lotus flower. !!!

Avalokiteshvara is known to hold a cintamini, a wish-fufilling jewel. I think that is the ruby that I saw she was holding! In Japan, the same deity was known as Kwanon, which is where the camera brand “Canon” comes from. I am shooting this film with a Canon…

guanyin avalokiteshvara

Guanyin (Avalokiteshvara) holding a red jewel?

I also had the most meaningful dream of my life during my time in the dark. I won’t relate the entire dream, as it was very personal, but at the very end I was told to count to three and say the word “Love” and then the first word that came to my mind. As I counted to three, I woke myself up by saying “Love yourself.” That may be all the enlightenment I need right now!

third eye pineal gland indigo blue pink

Morning Glory

So yeah, I am pretty happy with what went on in the dark. There are probably a few too many things that happened to tell you about in great detail right now, but one of the last ones before I got out was seeing an indigo blue flower with a pink center (almost exactly like the Morning Glory flower pictured above). It was in the middle of my forehead and I took it to be a good omen, much like the omens in Paul Coelho’s The Alchemist, which I am reading right now. I love this quote from it: “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”. I’m still trying to reach enlightenment, but I think I’m one step closer.

When I got out of the dark, I may not have been enlightened, but the experience of seeing another human being’s face – in particular, Kevin’s – was breathtaking. And the sky was so blue, and the plants were so green, it was awesome.

If you have any specific questions about my experiences in the dark, just comment and I’ll be sure to reply!

Darkroom Enlightenment

I’ve already been filming my quest to find enlightenment and healing for the past few months – I’ve been doing yoga, I’ve been anointed at a church healing service, I’ve spent time with an alchemist up in Georgia, I’ve had aliens removed from my brain via email, and that is just the beginning. I will have a lot of time in the future to blog about those experiences, but right now I need to tell you that all these things that I have tried in the past do not compare in any way to what I am about to do starting late Sunday night. If you are scared easily please, go no further:

Cardboard + Aluminum foil + Black plastic

I AM GOING TO BLOCK ALL LIGHT TO MY ROOM AND STAY THERE FOR FOURTEEN DAYS.

 

Why the #$%# would I do that, you ask? Apparently it is a surefire way to get to the 5th dimension. You know, that place that Jesus referred to as the Kingdom of Heaven, or what Buddha called Nirvana, or what Mohammed called Jannah. I suppose I would call it LOVE .

Thank goodness I have an amazing boyfriend who is going to feed me and act as my official teddy bear during this time.

 

Lady Gaga is all over this, by the way. What happens when “Marry the Night” meets “Edge of Glory”? This happens.

 

My professors aren’t too thrilled with me playing hooky for two weeks.

My friends tell me I’m crazy. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T ALREADY KNOW.

If you want to get updates on how things are progressing, just like the film on facebook or follow on twitter, as my boyfriend will be updating periodically.

Safety word is GIRAFFE.

PLEASE COMMENT: IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD GAIN ENLIGHTENMENT BY SPENDING 14 DAYS IN THE DARK, WOULD YOU DO IT?